


Painkiller

by LadyRen1311



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: And She Has Too Many Protective Brothers, Canon Related, Drama, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Original Character(s), Reader is a fighter, Romance, The First Order, Young Ben Solo, i need jesus, reader is a baddie, the knights of ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23870716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyRen1311/pseuds/LadyRen1311
Summary: You are Arrow Ren, one of the Knights of Ren.You and the other Knights are sent on a crucial rescue mission. One that will change your life forever.Master Snoke's orders were very clear, this was the most important mission of your life. Failing is not an option.You'll soon realize why that mission was so important.
Relationships: Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Knights of Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank my dear friend, my cosmic twin, my smol bean Kris for her incredible help writing this story. English isn't my first language so I am extremely grateful for her constant help and support! Love you, bitch.

"RUN, ARROW!"

Ears ringing, you felt your body adjust in a slow, painful movement. First, your arms, then your neck, and finally you pushed yourself up. Your brain shook, dizziness blurring your vision. An explosion that happened near you just a few moments ago made you fly back, losing the rest of your group and taking all your senses with it. You looked around, hoping to see a familiar face...or mask. Yours flew from your head in the midst of the fiery burst. Your body was still aching and a piece of leathery armor was torn off; charred to ash. You could feel the sensitive, bloodied skin peeking through the hole.

It was then that you finally saw someone.

"KLAS!" You screamed, running to the body splayed like a starfish a few footsteps away. You ran as fast as your legs could take you and ripped his helmet off as soon as you got to him. His hair fell against his face; grey curls clustered in sweat and filth. His eyes were knit closed.

You already knew, yet you refused to believe it.

"Not him..." you whispered, feeling your heart race in time with your breath.

You shook Klas with every bit of strength you had left. He was your Master. He was the one who found you, who trained you, who made you who you were. You could sense the Force within him leaving his body as the energy dissolved into the air. The tears came quickly from your eyes then; an unstoppable wave of water that coated your warm, pink cheeks.

"Arrow! You need to run back to the ship! NOW!"

You knew that voice...Ushar. At first, he didn’t notice the lifeless body underneath you, but when he saw it, time stood still. You could feel his pain, just like he could feel yours. A rush of energy wrung your stomach like a wet rag and it caused you to wince.

"No…" he said, biting back the choking feeling in his throat, but failing miserably.

Another explosion roared near the both of you. Your heart skipped a beat as the tears kept rolling down your face. You could feel Ushar pulling on your arm, irritating the freshly burnt flesh. Hands wrapped around your waist and ripped you away from your Master. You tried to scream and kick, but it was useless. Ushar had always been stronger than you. In the past, you had learned that the hard way.

"NO! I CAN’T LEAVE HIM! I CAN’T! LET ME GO! PLEASE!"

Your screams slowly began to turn into heavy sobs that shook your chest as you saw Klas one last time. The hatch closed as the shuttle’s engine started up. Your body met the floor and you could feel the eyes of your brothers on you. You had to get back on your feet.  _ Now _ . Emotions had to be kept under wraps around here. You took a deep breath; lungs on fire as you gasped for air, trying desperately to steady your heart pumping through your chest.

"You shouldn’t cry. He’s gone now, Arrow." He spoke solemnly, but he shrugged it off as if he hadn't just lost the most important aspect of his life.

How  _ dare _ he?

You stood on shaking legs, hands balling into fists as anger iced the blood in your veins, "How can you even say that, Kuruk? I know you had a shitty relationship with him, but that-...that’s just fucking  _ heartless _ . He was my Master! How do yo-"

"He was my Master  _ too _ , Arrow." He said, cutting you off.

Ushar and Vicrul’s eyes were gliding back and forth between you and Kuruk. Everyone on the ship could feel the density in the air.

_ If looks could kill. _

Like a lightning strike, you reached for your weapon; a golden trident covered in the crimson blood of the enemies you had just slaughtered. You were stopped by invisible hands before the blade reached his sternum. You struggled and tried again, hitting some sort of wall at the front of him.

"Vicrul." You said in a short breath, "Stop that. If I don't kill him now, I'll kill him later."

"Then leave it for later. 'Row, our Master is  _ dead _ . Pain is dealt with in different ways...but going at each other like this? Klas would never have wanted that. Especially not from  _ you _ .’

You groaned, frustration bubbling to the surface. He was right. You lowered your trident and shot one last look at Kuruk.

"Looks like it’s your lucky day, asshole."

You turned and walked to your quarters in fast, heavy footsteps. You smashed your fist into the control pad fixated on the wall and the door to your room shut.

Here you were, alone with your thoughts. You hated that. You could never properly meditate for more than ten minutes, and unfortunately, Klas would always reprimand you for tending to your mental wounds.

"Klas…" you whispered gently, your voice cracking as the last sight you saw of him flashed a picture in your mind; an all too fresh wound, "I’m sorry… I’m  _ so _ sorry…"

You sat on the side of your bed, consumed by numbness. The tears refused to flow now. You took a deep breath, then exhale flattening your chest as you placed the pads of your two front fingers on the center of your forehead.

" _ Sleep _ ."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! <3 I hope you are intrigued by this small prologue! :)


	2. The Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're finally leaving for the most important mission of your life, let's just hope everything goes well this time.

You woke with a heavy heart as the ship made its way to the landing pad of the Finalizer. Memories of last night still assaulted your mind.  _ Last night _ …it seemed so far away. The screams of the Twi’leks you murdered on Ryloth echoed in your ears. Usually, killing meant nothing to you. You played God every day, taking lives that had no true purpose in the vast galaxy. You held yourself responsible for your sins, and yet, you didn’t fucking care...but last night had been different, and the loss you experienced was an injury unable to be properly bandaged, at least for the time being.

You heard a light knock on the door, pulling you away from your thoughts for only a moment. You could sense the person behind it and you weren't too pleased when Kuruk made his grand entrance.

"You could've waited for me to say you could come in." You hissed at him without even looking up from your lap.

"I could have, but what’s the point? I already knew you were awake." He said, annoyance in his voice.

"I could've been changing, ya know. You want to see that, creep?"

"Gods, 'Row, did you hit your head in battle? We can  _ sense _ each other. What in the Hell is wrong with you?" He spat, throwing his hands in the air, eyebrows knotting together.

You exhaled a sharp laugh, "What’s  _ wrong _ with me? Are you being serious? Please, tell me you’re kidding, Kuruk…"

You couldn’t believe him, but in truth, his question  _ had been  _ serious. You were defensive and on edge, which was very much unlike you. Not even the loss of your own  _ parents _ had startled you in the same manner. You were harded, soulless, but for some reason, it was the tragic loss of your Master that broke you, and weren't too sure why.

_ Am I softening? _

He didn’t answer and you stared straight in his direction as you waited for a response. It felt like hours had passed as the anger you felt slowly morphed into sadness. You hated being angry with Kuruk. He was a real dick sometimes, but he was always the first to protect and defend you. You couldn’t blame him for what he said the night prior. It was the truth after all, and Klas would have never let you shed a petty tear over his death. He died the way he had always envisioned, the way the man  _ earned _ to go out...a warrior's sendoff; poetic and strong.

Kuruk went to speak, but Ushar busted into your quarters before the man could get a breath out. Your room was small, even for you, so fitting two men with bodies the size of refrigerators triggered your claustrophobia.

Ushar was always the first to sense your anger, judging silently and wondering whether he should feed it or kill it. He was looking at you, grey, clouded eyes like glass in the light of the room. It saddened you to think that people didn’t get to see them in all their beauty more often. Not that it would matter, but perhaps it would make the last moments of his victim's life a little less agonizing. To be face to face with something  _ close _ to human, a soul shining through a pair of eyes...rather than a hideous, deformed creature, teeth sharpened to a complete point, baring down for the bite.

_ Well...who am I kidding? _ The victims of the Knights of Ren knew a fate even  _ worse _ than death...torturous, agonizing, slow, and truly, purely-

Ripping you out of your thoughts once more was a third person making his way into your room.

_ Goddamn boys _ .

"Woah, it looks like there’s a party in here." Vicrul said, exhaling a small, subtle laugh, pushing the two other guys aside to make room for himself, "Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we have to get off, like,  _ now _ . A message from Snoke. He says the matter is extremely urgent...so, if you all want to keep your  _ heads _ , we should probably get moving."

The slight rush to the cadence of his voice made you feel uneasy, a chill trickling like water down the base of your spine. You looked around the room with wondering eyes.

"Well, what are you all waiting for? I don’t want to lose my head, at least, not today. Get moving, men." You said, waving your hand in the direction of the door.

Vicrul and Ushar left first and you passed Kuruk, slightly brushing up against his shoulder. You stopped as his hand took a hold of your wrist. You turned back to face him, only to see and  _ feel _ his sorry eyes. He struggled to find the right words to say.

"'Row, I- I’m..." he stuttered.

"I know, K. Me too."

He let go of your wrist and it fell down to your side, finding the fabric of your cloak.

"Let’s get out of here."

***

Every time you entered Snoke’s room, it mesmerized you. So simple, yet so indescribable. The ombre red walls hypnotized you as you marched forward. You felt many things in this place. Respect. Pride.  _ Fear _ .

Looking at Snoke surrounded by his wannabe bodyguards made you want to laugh a little, like he  _ needed _ them anyway. You pitied them though. Working right under Snoke's wing must be a pain in the ass. At least you and your brothers could travel from planet to planet. All these guys could do was stand around and wait for something to happen.

_ I wonder if they were found, like me. If they had family, friends, siblings... _

"I extend my welcome to the valiant Knights of Ren," Snoke spoke loudly, the roughness of his voice bleeding into the walls.

His arms gently dangled over the sides of his throne. He really  _ was _ intimidating. His face was crossed by a deep scar and his eyes were lopsided, one placed much higher than the other. You and the other Knights fell to one knee. Your head was facing down, eyes locked on your boots. Ap’lek cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Thank you, Supreme Leader," he said without craning his neck to make eye contact, "We came as soon as we got your request. We appreciate your unwavering trust in us to handle yet  _ another _ mission."

"Ah, yes, child...the  _ mission _ ." He made a slight pause before continuing, the tone of his voice rather tantalizing as his tongue flicked over the flakey skin where his lips should be, "This is going to be the most important mission of your life, Knights of Ren. I must make myself clear. Execution is the only option if failure is what you seek."

You felt your stomach sink all the way down to your shoes.  _ Well, I guess it's safe to say he isn't playing around this time... _

"I am indeed not  _ playing around _ , Miss Arrow Ren."

Your heart skipped a beat as your eyes found his.

"I-...I apologize, Supreme Leader. It was wrong of me to even consider the fact. Forgive me." You sputtered, wishing the ground could swallow you whole.

He let out a slow laugh, the sound causing the hairs on your neck to stand at attention.

"Now, now," He began, "Your job is quite simple...you are to find my soon to be apprentice; a young boy, extraordinarily strong with the dark side. Tonight is the night his motives shift. His Master will betray him. I made sure of it."

Another brief pause, "Get the boy on Yavin 4 and bring him to me. I have set the information required for capture on your datapads. We must make sure to get the boy while he’s flooded with feelings of anger and confusion. It's the only way he can learn to trust us. You must leave immediately and return as soon as possible. Be gone, be quick, kill when necessary, and try your best not to be seen. Make me proud. Now is the time to prove your worth. Don't fail me."

He sent your group away with a sudden flick of his bony hand. You and your brothers rose in perfect synchronization and exited Snoke’s quarters. Al’pek walked fast, understanding the weight and severity of the situation as you were at his heels. Unease beat your chest like a steel drum.

_ Apprentice? Extraordinarily strong? _

Without another word to each other, you and the men marched in the direction of the shuttle, hopped aboard, and left the Finalizer.

***

You thought the ride to Yavin 4 would have been quick, but you could not have been more wrong. The tension was pulsing in the air and kept everyone quiet. Almost  _ too _ quiet.

"What’s the plan, Ap’lek?" asked Ushar, breaking the silence, making you jump to attention at the sound of his voice.

"Oh, right, briefing." He said as he grabbed a datapad next to him, "So, with the information we have, our target...Ben Solo, 23-years-old, apprentice of Luke Skywalker."

"Wait,  _ the  _ Luke Skywalker?" you interjected, interest suddenly peaked.

"Well, I can't imagine any other Jedi has such a name," Ap’lek said, still looking down at his datapad. "Looks like we’re going to have some fun. Killing here...killing there...padawans and younglings, take your pick, men."

Trudgen clapped his hands together, the thunderous sound causing your nerves to ignite again.

G _ ods, why am I so nervous today? What's wrong with me? _

_ " _ Killing padawans, my personal favorite," Trudgen said, looking at Ap’lek, eyes glowing.

Ushar scoffed.

"I somehow tend to forget that you're fucking barbaric." He said, head shaking.

You couldn’t focus anymore on what your brothers were saying as the wheels of your brain rotated in rapid fire.

_ He’s 23, like me. A Jedi. Does he have a lightsaber? Probably...every Jedi does, right? I've never seen a real Jedi before. I wonder what plans Snoke has for him. What if he’s stronger than me? What if I’m stronger than him? That would be nice, now wouldn't it? Maybe if I’m stronger than him, Kuruk will stop annoying me and will finally pick on someone weaker... _

"Arrow, you there?" Vicrul asked with a nudge of his elbow into the side of your torso.

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Just zoning." You said, shaking the glossy film from your eyes.

"We don't have time for zoning, 'Row. You heard what Snoke said." Kuruk noted sharply, eyes digging into you.

You swallowed hard and spoke again, "Hey, Ap’lek, got any more information on the boy?"

"The boy? Well, if you had been  _ listening _ , you'd  _ know _ that he's as old as you...even a few months older," as stated here on his certificate of birth.

His eyes scanned the pad for any more information that would better suit your needs, "All I have is a physical description. It says that he’s pretty tall, around 6’2''. Black hair, hazel eyes...generic, if you ask me. Dark blue padawan tunic, but I suppose that's obvious." Ap’lek said, scanning the device. "That’s pretty much it. We also need to be careful about Skywalker. He’s a potential threat to our mission."

Rumbles echoed as the shuttle settled on Yavin 4. With your trident in hand, you exited first. As soon as your boots hit the mud, the warm scent of bonfire made its way into your nostrils. You looked at your brothers, waiting for Ap’lek’s signal to go. He looked at you and gave a small nod.

Compared to the other, bigger men, you were small and stealthy. You ran quietly, senses sharp, hearing everything happening both in and around you. The wind blowing. The river flowing. The people screaming.

_ The Jedi Temple. _

You saw it, consumed by wild, wavering flames. It would've been beautiful if it hadn't been for the series of burnt bodies lining the landscape just below it.

_ That must have hurt.  _ You had to keep moving.  _ Remember the mission, 'Row. _ Without hesitation, your feet moved you. You looked into the smokey distance and it was then that you saw something...no... _ someone _ .

_ Ben? _

You ducked behind a bush, peeking over to see if you could spot the precious target.

An old man came out from under what seemed to be a destroyed stone house. It was so small that it couldn't have possibly contained more than one room.

_ Skywalker. _

The man struggled haphazardly to get himself out of the debris. His eyes were blood-red, the smoke in the air filling the whites of them with irritation. He stumbled and fell next to a droid; a vintage R2 unit.

_ "Arrow, the mission!" _

This time it wasn’t your thoughts. The voice you heard in your head was Vicrul’s.

Moving on and leaving the broken man behind, you continued your journey. You stopped suddenly.

It was him. It  _ must _ be him _. _

You moved faster and faster until it stopped you in your tracks.

The boy. You could sense him getting closer. He was… _ scared? _

_ We were told this young one was strong with the dark side of the Force. This was merely a boy...innocent as ever, meaning no harm to anyone or anything. This couldn't be him. It just wasn't possible. _

As you rounded the corner, it was there that he was found, sitting with his back against a tree. His long, lanky legs folded over and his knees pressed tightly against his chest. His seemingly towering frame appeared much smaller in this position. Fear was present in his eyes and in his mind.

"Ben...?" You spoke softly, bringing yourself forward and into his line of sight.

He jumped back a little as you tried your best to extend a shaking hand in his direction.

"Don't be afraid, boy, I'm here to help. You’re Ben...correct?"

His pupils dilated into perfectly shaped spheres, searching the mask shielding your face for an answer. His jet-black hair gently cascaded down his cheeks, bobbing up and down from the blades of his shoulders as he gave a small nod towards you.

"I know you're frightened and confused...but I've come to take you away from this horrible place. There's no way you'll make it if you stay here. Please...no questions asked, take my hand if you wish to live."

He looked down at his feet, breath hitching, lump in his throat twitching as he considered his options.

" _ Ben _ …" you stressed, time ticking away as you flipped the visor that hid your eyes.

He looked up and into them, tears glossing over.

"I'm here to help you become who you were always meant to be."

His lips parted, wanting desperately to speak, but being physically unable to. He kept looking back and forth between your face and your open hand. His chest deflated, defeated as he reached towards you, reciprocating the gesture. You shivered as the callused skin of his palm kissed yours.

W _ hat was that? _

It felt as if the air had come to a halt. You stared at one another for a moment, completely and utterly hypnotized, hands still tightly interlocked.

_ "Arrow! What are you doing? You've found him! We can't waste time! We need to go!" _

Ushar’s voice resonated in your mind. You broke eye contact with the boy, quickly pulling him to his feet, and making a bound towards the shuttle. He followed your motions.

He picked his poison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! <3


	3. The boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You got your target and yourself back on the shuttle, time to go back home.

“Where have you been, 'Row? Do you even know how worried I was?” Vicrul shouted, strong hands shaking your shoulders.

You had just gotten into the shuttle with the boy, still, hand in hand with him. You could feel your brothers’ eyes on you both. Vicrul was still talking, but you decided to block him out. You were terribly out of breath and sweat stuck to the hairs on your face as you removed your mask.

“Shut up, Vicrul. If I hear another word out of that mouth, I’ll have you dismembered," Kuruk interjected, "Mission complete. Let’s get back to Snoke."

You stood there as the ship went into motion; leaving the burning planet with your important cargo in tow. You had completed your mission with very little hesitance and yet something felt off. Something in the air around you made you tremble. Your attention snapped back to the boy. He was frozen in fear, looking at your brothers still wearing their full armor.

 _Oh, yeah. I’d be terrified too_. You could only stare as his gaze finally shifted on to you, feeling his eyes on your skin.

You felt it again. What had happened earlier. You held your breath, feeling as if sucking in air could all of a sudden betray you, suffocating you instead of nourishing your lungs. Is it possible that this is... _attraction_? He was a beautiful, young man after all, but it felt like there was more to it than that. This feeling was entirely unfamiliar to you. You had detached yourself from love and lust. It was hard to consider the fact that you were even capable of such emotions.

_“Can you feel it too?”_

A voice. _What the fuck?_ It was one you had never heard before. It didn’t belong to any of your brothers and it surely wasn’t the droid piloting the shuttle.

“Okay, kids, you can let each other go now, yeah?”

Here came overprotective, big brother Vicrul.

You cleared your throat and puffed your chest out, “Well, the boy is pretty shaken up, don’t you think?” You noted, eyes still fixed on him, “Have to make him feel at least _somewhat_ warm and welcome here, right?”

Vicrul grabbed your arm, pulling you away from Ben. He was having none of your welcoming bullshit. As you let him go, Ben’s arm reached for you again, as if clinging to you was the only thing that could ground him. As quickly as he stepped forward to grab you, he stepped right back, lowering his hands to his side in defeat.

“You’re bringing me to Snoke...?” He asked, eyes searching Ap’lek’s mask for an answer.

The confidence he held in his voice didn’t last long, unfortunately. Waves of guilt swallowed Ben. You tried your best to investigate his head. You found answers to questions you didn’t even know you had. Images of the night flew through your mind...the temple burning, the people he killed…

Skywalker.

“He-...he tried to _kill_ _you…_ ” you whispered to yourself. Ben heard you. It seemed as if he was the only one who had, and that was a good sign. If Ap’lek found out you used the Force on the target you had to protect, he’d have your head on a silver platter. Before Ben could speak up, you turned and began to walk in the direction of your room.

“All things considered, I should go and get some rest. Vicrul, take the boy to his quarters immediately."

***

Large hands gently shook you awake from your nightmares. Pearls of sweat had formed on your forehead and on the back of your neck. Your heart was still racing from the bad dreams that conjugated in your mind. They were all too familiar to you lately and it became an annoyance. As you repositioned your body, you saw Ushar looming over you, wearing black joggers and the t-shirt you gave him a while back. It was pastel pink, a little cartoony Tauntaun printed on it. When you gave it to him, you thought for sure he'd get mad and throw it in the garbage, but against all your expectations, it became his favorite to wear for sleeping.

“Little one, it’s your turn to guard the boy. Change into your uniform, you lazy Jabba.”

“I told you to stop calling me ‘little one’. I’m not 12 anymore and you’re not that much older than I am.”

That was a lie. Ushar was 29 and he still saw you as the child Master Klas found on Jakku years ago.

“Now, can you please go so I can change in peace? Tell Trudgen I’ll be out in a minute.”

Ushar gave a curt nod and ruffled your hair.

_Annoying fuck. He’s lucky I love him._

The door closed behind the man who had just exited your room and you stood on your feet, undressing fast. You grabbed your uniform, a black leathery top with sheer sleeves, a black skirt that went past your knee with openings on each side, black cropped leggings, and your black knee-high boots. Gods, you loved those boots. You checked yourself one last time in the glass, realizing how dirty it was and collecting a bit of dust on the tip of your finger.

_Filthy. The boys never clean this place._

You exited your room, trident in hand.

“Arrow and her trident. Thanks for finally showing up.” Groaned Trudgen, thick forearms wrapping tightly around himself.

“Oh, you’re _so_ welcome. Now go to bed. You get mean when you don’t get your beauty sleep.”

Trudgen stood and walked in your direction, stopping next to you. He bent his much larger stature down and whispered into your ear, “Don’t have too much fun, Painkiller.”

_Painkiller? What’s that supposed to mean?_

You pushed him away, brushing his comment off to the side. You walked to the sitting area, dropping your weapon on the table. As you leaned into your seat, a memory flashed before you.

“Klas...Master...I wish you were still here. I feel lost without your guidance,” you whispered to yourself, eyes meeting the floor. "I wish I could tell you about the boy. I wish I could tell you about _everything_ . Our... _connection_ . Something feels _off_ , Klaus...it feels as if-...like we-"

It was then that you heard footsteps approaching fast down the corridor. Snatching your trident from the table, you pointed it forward before realizing who was coming.

“ _Gods_ , don’t scare me like that, boy!" You said, breathing out the sudden anxiety that floated into your chest.

“I-I’m sorry. I couldn’t sleep and I sensed that you were awake too. I guess I just didn’t want to be alone right now." He spoke anxiously, wringing his hands together.

“What if _I_ want to be alone?” you said, trying to keep a serious face.

It must have worked because Ben backed off quietly.

You let your features soften, the smallest of smiles playing on your lips, "I’m only kidding, boy. Come, join me,” you said with a short, breathy laugh.

You sat back in your spot, Ben joining you. You placed your trident back on the table and turned to face him only to realize he was already looking at you. There it is. The tension again. A moment passed, the two of you firmly fixated on one another. Ben broke eye contact and the silence simultaneously.

“So, how are you? You’re... _Arrow_ , right?”

Your heart began to race and you felt heat rushing through your cheeks. You were nervous, so nervous that your hands started to soak in sweat.

“Uh, yes, Arrow. I’m good. Thanks. You’re…uh...Ben. You’re Ben.”

_What. Are. You. Saying. Arrow??_

You could hardly look at him.

“Sure am,” Ben said, playfully pushing your shoulder. Your eyes refused to move from your hands resting on your thighs. You rubbed them together, erasing any mark of nervousness.

“I’m sorry, this is kind of awkward," Ben said, putting a hand to his forehead.

“You feel awkward? I don’t feel awkward. I’m not awkward. Are _you_ awkward?”

_SHUT UP, ARROW. PLEASE SHUT UP._

You took a deep breath. “Yeah, it _is_ awkward…" you mumbled.

“You...uh...you felt it too, right?” He asked, cautiously reaching towards you, hand coming to find its way to your wrist.

Your head rose and you gawked, not knowing what to say next. That was quite the change of subject. His hand touched yours again and your body became ice as his skin came into contact with yours. He slowly linked your fingers, feeling comfort, and relaxing under the sensation.

_"I did...but I'm not too sure what it could be."_

_“It’s the Force. I know it. I feel it.”_

He was in your head. Speaking without moving his pink, plumped lips. You swallowed hard in response to his mind proding.

“When we were at the Jedi Temple, I was terrified...and then I saw you, and you saw me. In that moment, nothing else mattered. It was as if my entire life had led to this moment...it was if I knew you without having said a single word. Your thoughts...your fears…"

“I…felt that too,” you whispered, barely audible, “It was if the air around me shifted...like time had stopped completely…"

Another pause. He was clearly trying to get at something, but backed out at the last possible second.

“The others…” he began, changing the subject once more. “How are you not afraid of them? They're much bigger than you...stronger."

You let out a laugh, shaking your head, "Oh, please. I was brought in by them for a reason. I can assure you my strength matches theirs."

Ben shuddered slightly, eyes scanning over your body, astonished to think that your small frame could hold so much power.

“They are my brothers, not by blood, but by choice,” you said, looking over at him, “When I was 12 years old, Master Klas and Ushar found me. It’s a fairly complicated story, and in truth, not a pretty one. Maybe some other time, boy."

A short moment passed. You kept your hand in his. It fit well there.

“What are you two doing?” A loud voice boomed overhead.

_Oh no._

You snapped your hand away from Ben’s quickly, standing up to face the man before you.

“Vicrul! Hey! How are you? Did you sleep well? What time is-?“

“Arrow, what’s going on here? Do you have something to hide? You tend to rattle off words when you’re nervous, dear sister.” He said, narrowing his eyes.

You held your breath in your throat.

“We were just talking, sir,” Ben spoke on a worried exhale.

“And holding hands…? For what purpose?" Vicrul asked, jaw tightening, "Remove yourself from him at once. He's our captive, not a _prince_."

The word was a sour lemon in his mouth.

_Oh, he’s pissed._

“Vicrul, back off. I was just trying to-..."

"Enough."

You didn’t know if talking back was a good idea, but him treating you like a child infuriated you.

You raised your voice again, this time, confidence shooting from your very core, “We were just talking, as the boy said. Why would he lie? He knows he's in no position of power over us."

Vicrul stared at you and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Fine,” He simply said. “I came to tell you that we’re not too far off from arriving at the Finalizer. Get your precious Ben ready. It’s time for him to meet the Supreme Leader."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! <3


	4. The connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arrow trains with her brothers after leaving Ben Solo with Snoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments on the last chapter and the kudos! I love you all so much!!

Hours had passed since you had left Ben Solo with his new Master. Sitting cross-legged on the mat of your training room, you watched the men you called your brothers roughly fight each other as your thoughts began to drift. Ever since you met him, the boy occupied most of the space in your mind. Without him, you had never felt more alone. How could you feel this way? It’s been less than a day since you’ve met him and yet, it was as if you always knew him.

_ These thoughts, these feelings, they need to stop. I can’t go soft.  _

You stood up on your feet, shaking your head to chase away your ridiculous thoughts. Ushar had told you before, Ben was  _ not  _ a prince, and he was right. He was going to be a powerful asset to the First Order. A killer, just like  _ you.  _ You walked to Kuruk and reached up to tap him on the shoulder.

“Can you train me, big guy? I need to let some anger out,” you said as your grip on your weapon grew tighter, sweat cooling the metal.

“Oh, would you look at that, boys? Looks like we have an angry, little mushroom gearing up for the fight!” He called out for the others in the room to hear.

As they approached you with excitement, anger had flooded your body, taking a stronghold of you. It wasn’t what you were thinking when you asked to train, but here you were, surrounded by six mountains with only a spear, that might as well have been a toothpick, to defend yourself. You couldn’t use your actual trident on the training ground due to…  _ previous accidents _ . Let’s just say that Ap’lek is still a bit mad about the scar on his leg, a great gift from Trudgen.

“It’s not fair, guys. You know I can’t take you all at the same time. It’s a cheap shot.” You said as you pointed the wooden stick at every man one at the time.

“Don’t worry, we’ll go soft on you, little one” Ushar hummed, clapping his hands together.

“Yeah, as soft as you get for the boy” laughed Kuruk, looking at the other boys for approval. They hollered back in response, a call to arms.

_ Oh, it’s on. _

With a straight blow into Kuruk’s abdomen, a war began. Kuruk fell to the floor holding his stomach, groaning at the pain biting his organs. Ushar instantly fell to one knee to check on him, but that was the only signal the others needed. Attacks came from the left first. Ap’lek and Trudgen were in perfect synchronization grabbing one arm each, making you drop your weapon in the movement.

“Old tricks, boys, I’m disappointed in you,” you mocked them.

You kicked Trudgen’s calf, making him bend both of his knees. He let go of your arm, falling on his hands, mumbling cuss words; you could have sworn you heard your name somewhere in the mix. With your left arm finally free, you grabbed the back of Ap’lek’s neck. Pushing yourself up, you were able to sit on his shoulders, legs snaking around his torso. You quickly put the palm of your hand on the top of his head.

“ _ Sleep”  _

His body collapsed to the floor, making a loud  _ bang  _ as his fall came to a rough conclusion. Ap’lek never liked that technique of yours. He said in training, it was foul play. You always thought he was jealous that you perfected it so fast while, still to this day, he struggled with it. Unfortunately for him, today was your day and you weren’t here to be fair.

_ I’m gonna be in big trouble when he wakes up.  _

You scanned the room, looking for the belonging you unwillingly let go of just moments ago. Vicrul was standing between you and your staff.

“Move, Vicrul. You know you’re my favorite, and I don’t want to hurt you,” you said, looking for your breath as your lungs began to catch fire.

“ _ He’s _ your favorite? I thought  _ I _ was, Little One.” Ushar said, with a fake sound of sadness in his voice.

He popped out from behind you and, despite his frame being twice your size, he was still a fairly stealthy man, always walking on his toes.

“Guys,” you said, bringing your hands to your heart. “I’m  _ so  _ touched...to think that you all are fighting for my  _ love _ ."

You twirled a piece of your hair between your fingers, giggling. You wanted to distract them, buy time for yourself. When it became clear that their guards were let down, you tackled Ushar to the floor, or at least you attempted. His figure was so big that as soon as you hit him, you bounced right back, the wind knocking out of you. He slowly began to approach you, like a wolf would track its prey.

“Come on, Ushar. Give me a break, I’m tired.” You let a breath out.

“Little One,” he began, putting one of his feet on your left wrist as you laid on the floor like a starfish, exhausted. “Do you really think the enemy will give you a break on the battlefield? Are you really going to get defeated so easily? Because if that’s what you want, maybe Master Klas was wrong to bring you as a Knight of Ren.”

Your eyes widened, a bitter taste forming in your mouth as you heard the name of your late Master. In a moment of weakness, you did something he would never have approved of. You punched the ankle of the man crushing your dainty wrist. Ushar groaned in pain as he snatched his feet away, freeing you completely. You rolled quickly to your side, getting back up on your legs. You reached for your trident resting on the wall on the opposite side of the room. You had to take a deep breath in, then back out again, shutting your eyes as you concentrated every ounce of your mind. It was forbidden to use the Force on the training grounds, but in the heat of the moment, you couldn’t care less. The rules didn’t apply when your brother spoke that name. You sprinted, charging at Ushar, screaming. Hot tears left your eyes, pain drowning you.

“ARROW, STOP!”

The voice was a whisper in your ear, distant. As you were about to stab your beloved brother, his reflexes kicked in. He lurched to the side, causing you to impale a punching bag, slicing it in half, the stuffing spilling like snow onto the floor.

Strong arms suddenly wrapped around your torso. Your weapon was snatched from your hands, as you kicked the air in front of you. The tears that had fallen on your cheeks had dried up, leaving a crusty feeling on them. The heart in your chest felt like it was about to burst out from within you, and screams became soundless.

“LET GO OF ME!” you said, biting each word as they came out of your mouth. Your vision was still blurred by anger and your body was stiff.

“Calm yourself, Arrow. Let your anger and pain morph into power.” Ushar said, using the Force to bring peace to your mind. 

His eyes shut as he concentrated, both of his hands looming over your head. His manipulation made you go into a meditation state, each sound surrounding you disappearing completely. Your mind wandered around the room, looking at your brothers, at the training equipment scattered on the floor, and at your trident in Trudgen’s hand. The Force made your mind leave the room like it had a secret it wanted to share with you. Only with  _ you.  _ It guided you through the long, empty hall of the Finalizer, making a left turn and then to the right. You found yourself in front of two giant red doors, they almost went up to the ceiling. 

_ I know this place. _

As you placed your invisible hand to Snoke’s door, a scream began and echoed into your ears. 

A familiar voice, a boy.

_ Ben. _

His screams were scratchy and full of pain. He was being tortured.

_ No...no...why is Snoke doing this to him?? _

You tried to take your hand off, to rip it away from that dark place. You wanted to come back to your senses, but the Force wasn’t done telling you about the horrifying secret that lay just behind the door. It pushed you into the room and you saw him, floating, shaking, surrounded by Snoke’s bodyguards. His dark locks were covered in sweat, he was out of breath and yet, not a single, physical mark of torture. It really  _ was _ awful what the Force could do. Every part of your body felt his pain, your core trembling in synchronization with his. Snoke’s eyes shifted from the boy to meet yours and your blood froze. You were suddenly pushed out of the room, your mind running back to your body.

Your eyes opened wide. You were shaking uncontrollably in Vicrul’s arm, your heart racing as every feeling you just had suffocated you.

“Ben.”

It was the only word that could physically leave your lips. You felt like you were about to throw up, disgusted by the terrible visions that assaulted your mind.

“I-...I have to save Ben! He-...he’s going to  _ die _ !”

The arms knotted around your chest finally let you free. You took a deep breath, as your legs collapsed under the pressure, sending you to one knee. The eyes of your brothers were glued to you. So many questions were surfing their minds, questions you’d try to answer later. You stood up, stabilizing yourself slowly holding Ushar’s hand. As you quickly craned your neck to look up at him, you gazed into his eyes.

“I-I’m sorry for trying to slice you in half.” 

You didn’t give him a chance to answer. You snatched your trident from Trudgen’s hand and ran for the door, bursting out of the training grounds.

_ Stay with me, Ben. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's one of my favorites! <3


	5. The Time

“Happy Birthday, my beautiful ‘Row!” said a sweet, feminine voice.

You took a deep breath and puffed the air out, blowing away the flame on the single candle in the center of a small cake. Your mother made sure to spare a few extra credits in order to bake your favorite.

“Mommy, when is Daddy coming back? He promised he’d be here for my birthday, you know.” You said in a small voice, pulling on the sleeve of your mother's blouse.

You were used to being alone with your mother. She never hesitated to remind you that your father was the most hard-working man she knew, visiting different locations in the galaxy to put food on the table.

You recalled a memory from childhood and it stuck like glue in your mind. Fear forced you awake one night, so you snuck out of bed to find your mother and father speaking. His work uniform was stained red, a puddle soaked into the center of his lapel. Your mother seemed worried, the gentle line on her forehead deepening.

She had always said that your father was a good man with a bad job. She had always said you were just like him. That you were...

“He should be here any minute now. He has your present with him,” her tone changed, and it seemed as though she knew something you didn’t.

You didn't say a word, but you nodded in her direction as your feet dangled and swung back and forth in your seat.

She stopped cold, breath catching in her throat as she bent down beside you, "H-honey...you know Mommy will always love you, right? My little Arrow, my baby girl, you must  _ always _ remember how much I love you.”

She pulled you to her chest, her delicate arms wrapping around your tiny frame.

“I love you too, Mommy.”

The kitchen door opened and you saw your father walking into the room.

“Arrow, my sweet one,” he said, dropping to one knee, his gesture welcoming you into his arms.

You hopped off your seat and ran straight to him. You hugged him tightly, only to notice that just over his shoulder, he wasn’t alone...another man stood behind him. His height was staggering and his hair fell across his face in thin, grey wisps. As his golden eyes gazed upon you, fear froze your blood. Your father placed both of his hands on your shoulders, forcing you to face him.

“Happy Birthday, my daughter. I have a present for you,” he said slowly, almost uncomfortably.

He shakingly reached for his pocket, taking a small black box out. He opened it before your eyes, revealing a clear crystal tied to a gold chain.

“Father, thank you. This-...this is  _ beautiful _ ,” you gasped gently, taking the jewelry out of the box and clasping it around your neck.

Your father didn't say a word and stood to his feet, pushing himself to the side, allowing the mountain of a man to come closer to you. You took a few steps back, shielding your chest with your arms.

“Young one, my name is Maximilian,” his voice was rough and raspy, his figure looming over top of you.

You took a breath in, holding it for as long as you could.

“You must follow me now. You, my possession and I, your Master."

_ What? _

Instantly, you turned to your mother and ran, full speed towards her. Your arms wrapped around her waist, your chin resting on her belly as you looked up to her, distress clouding your vision.

“Nonono! Mommy! I don’t want to go!”

You cried, tears beginning to run like rain.

She didn’t look at you. She kept her gaze fixed on your father. Water threatened to fall from her eyes, but not quite spilling over the edges. She swallowed hard, refusing to acknowledge you, hands beginning to shake.

“You’re mine now, girl.” His thick palm wrapped around your arm, pulling you away from the only source of comfort you had left.

You screamed, you kicked, you did all you could as the man yanked your body.

“MOMMY! DO SOMETHING!”

Fear and rage took over you, and so did another powerful force not unknown to you. Your screams stopped instantly as the air around you tensed. With a single thought, Maximilian’s neck snapped at a strange angle, the sound reverberating off of the walls. His body collapsed to the floor, letting you free of his grip. New screams began, your mother’s, as your eyes shifted from the lifeless body lying in front of you to your father who was left completely unphased.

Your father  _ was _ a killer,  _ after all _ .

You stretched your arm to him, your invisible, tiny hands finding their way to his throat. He gasped, his face slowly turning different shades of purple.

“You are a _bad_ _man_ , Daddy.”

Your voice was unrecognizable, fearless, full of power. You heard him choke on his own tongue as his esophagus crushed like a can, blood spilling from his mouth. As you let him out of your hold, both of his knees hit the floor and the rest of his body followed shortly.

“A-Arrow…what have you DONE??” Your mother yelled.

“Why would you do that, Mommy? Send me away? You said you  _ loved _ me. I killed this man because of you. I killed  _ Daddy _ because of you."

You began to walk towards her. Your footsteps were light but firm, and in a moment, your hand reached out again. This time, your father’s weapon moved on its own, finding your hand with ease

A heavy, golden trident.

“Arrow, I’m-...I'm sorry. P-please, my love, STOP this madness. STOP.” Your mother begged.

“You don’t deserve to live! MONSTER!”

With one sharp swing, the trident pierced into your mother’s chest. You retrieved it quickly, letting her agonize to her death, her tiny body melting into the floor. You turned away, leaving the bodies you slaughtered to rot. As you escaped the place you once called home, you found two men standing in front of you, waiting. You clenched to the bloodied trident, knuckles turning white as you pointed it towards the older man.

“Ah. Fierce.” He began, “Who would have thought such a small girl could resonate such power."

“I killed my parents and a man ten times my size, I won’t hesitate to kill more!” You called out, voice darkening.

With a single flick of his wrist, he snatched the trident from your hand.

“Don’t fear, child. I have no plan on making your life miserable,” His eyes glossed over the object. “I sense great power in you. The Force has guided us here. It had guided us to  _ you _ ."

A beat.

“I’m going to give you two options, child. Option one, we leave you here, on Jakku, and you will live the life of a junk trader.”

“Sounds like a life worth living,” you said without looking away from him.

“Or, option two…"

Your eyes narrowed as the two men glanced over at each other.

"Become a Knight of Ren.”

\---

You suddenly gasped for air, sweat dripping from every pore.

_ A dream? _

“More like a memory.” A gentle voice said.

Your head turned sharply, facing the one who had just spoken. Ben had his hand looming over your head, eyes shut. You had been guarding him all night, sitting on a chair next to his bed. After you had retrieved him from Snoke’s room last night, he  _ needed _ to rest. He had been cruelly tortured by his new Master. 

_ I guess I fell asleep. _

He was sitting, legs crossed, peaceful. It took you a moment, but you couldn't deny the warmth that filled your chest. When he finally looked at you, it was as if every ounce of breath was taken from your lungs, floating into the air like midnight smoke. His hand slowly moved from its hovering state, down on your cheek that had now turned a wicked shade of pink. For so long you had longed for it, for his touch, and now that you had it, you couldn’t bear to lose it. To lose this thing that now made you feel so complete.

“Hi, Arrow.” 

You slowly moved your hand without thinking. You traced his lips with the tip of your finger. They felt slightly chapped under your feather-light touches, but you simply couldn’t bring yourself to give a damn. You gazed so intently at each divot of his lip, as if it could tell you the secrets you so desperately sought. You didn’t want to look up, because if you did, you knew you’d find yourself at the mercy of questioning eyes, pleading, begging to know what you were doing. 

_ Do I love him? _

You couldn’t form an answer with your lips, eyes intently focused on his. You wish you had known just how painful your fixation on his lips would be, because loving the rest of him would be a torture.

“You…” You whispered, dropping a knee on the side of his bed, getting closer. “You never leave my mind, you’re always there.”

_ Closer. _

“This feeling…it’s so  _ strange _ . It stretches throughout my whole body. It’s overwhelming, yet makes me feel complete.”

_ Closer. _

“It has no bound nor length nor depth. It’s just  _ absolute _ .”

_ Closest. _

His hand reaches for yours, interlocking as you kissed tentatively, passionately, and then tenderly. In his embrace, the world stopped still on its axis. There was no time, nor wind, nor rain. Ben’s mind was at peace; pure, unselfish, undemanding.  _ Free.  _ You felt his body press in, soft and warm. This was the love you had waited for. Ben broke the gentle kiss to look into your eyes. His arms snaked around you as you both laid down without a word spoken.

Being in his arms was like entering a house and,  _ finally _ , realizing you’re home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I actually got so much in my feels while writing that I actually shed a couple of tears.
> 
> Thank you once more for the Kudos!


	6. The Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely! <3  
> I've been away for awhile thank you for your patience!  
> enjoy! <3

**The Fall**

You woke up slowly, pushing yourself to sit up in the bed. Rubbing your tired eyes with the inside of your palms, they lazily rolled open. It took you a moment to shed the sleep from your brain, allowing full consciousness to crawl up into your mind. 

Memories of the previous night came back to you like a fresh air breeze, blood biting at your cheeks as you turned to look at the boy sleeping next to you. He seemed so large for the size of his bed. He wore a loose, grey sleep shirt and his loose curls dangled haphazardly over his closed eyes. He was so handsome as he slept; that steady heart, those steady breaths.

 _A masterpiece_. 

He suddenly moved, taking a deep breath as he opened his dark eyes, stretching. As he rose from his heavy slumber, you were the first thing he became aware of. You half wondered if you were still dreaming as he sat up next to you, wrapping his arms around your chest, bringing his closer to him. The soft sheets draped on your legs. They were warm. Just like him.

“Good morning,” he whispered in your ear, his voice like honey. “I hope you slept well.”

“I did…” you were filled with nervous energy, an indescribable heaviness growing in your stomach. “It was very nice. Warm.”

He squeezed you a little tighter as you spoke, the both of you silently wishing this moment would never end. You broke your own wish, pulling away to face him.

“So, should we talk about last night?” You heard yourself say.

Ben’s grip softened a little, “You mean us? I thought that was pretty clear. We both felt _this_ from the very beginning.”

“Oh, no, that’s not what I meant.” you paused for a moment, “I was talking about the Supreme Leader...”

Ben’s blood froze at the mention of the name that brought back all the terror he had been through the night before. The pain tore his body into two, his own screams ringing in his ears.

“I will not talk about any of this.”

His voice was loud and clear, scary. He seemed so determined, and yet, so broken. He shook his head and moved himself to the side, ripping away from you. A subtle coldness snaked up your back, making the peach hairs on your neck rise. You knew your answer had to be delicate, but words are crude tools, prone to breaking what they’re meant to repair...so you kept your mouth shut. You laid a hand on his back and left it there. A few minutes passed in the soft roar of the air. You felt his breathing slow and his muscles soften. You had no idea what time it was at this point, but after everything the boy had endured, it hardly mattered.

A small noise from your datapad resting on the nightstand caught your attention. Your hand left Ben’s back and reached for it.

An incoming call.

You turned to face Ben, putting a finger to your mouth as a silent sign for him to stay quiet. You picked up the call, heart beginning to race.

“Good morning, little one. Have you forgotten about our training?” said Vicrul’s robotized voice through the device. 

“Morning! No, I haven’t forgotten, I was _actually_ just on my way! I woke up I bit late...you know me! My apologies."

“We’re set to train with the boy for the first time...I thought you’d be more excited about it and be there on time for once.”

“Oh right, I must've forgotten about that. Do you need me to escort him from his quarters? It’s on my way.”

“No need, little one. We’re already there.”

A knock on the door.

_A knock on the door…_

_A KNOCK ON THE DOOR!_

Panic rushed through your veins, your heart threatening to burst from your chest. Your eyes flew back and forth between Ben and the door. You hung up the call and jumped out of the bed, shouting quietly at Ben to get dressed while simultaneously trying to find a place to hide.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck._

Another knock. “Young Master Solo?” you heard Vicrul’s voice say on the other side. “We’re here to escort you for training.”

You shot a look at Ben, your arms flying in every direction indicating him to respond.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t even move as fear consumed him too.

“Young Master? Are you okay?” He paused, “We’re coming in, sir.”

_THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING._

The door split in half, opening as the massive men busted in. None of them noticed you at first as you were in a corner of the room, body paralyzed. Ben was still standing, completely frozen as his head turned, a blank expression on his face. 

A beat.

Then, all the eyes were on you.

_Shit._

***

“I will have none of it, Arrow! You fucked up big time and you know it!” 

Ap’lek was furious, his legs were making giant strides in the small room. It was so crowded in there, air not properly reaching your lungs, leaving you feeling light-headed. 

You feel the soft panic that can grow or fade depending on what you do next.

It will fade if I back away, but _then_ I'll have to do this all again another time. It will grow if I let these thoughts swirl into a vortex of stupidity, eating their own tail...or I can breathe slowly and let the thoughts leak into the ether and be the real boss of me.

You’ve always hated to confront Ap’lek and all the reasons not to came flooding in, as if your body chemistry just sent them a blanket invitation. 

“I never thought it would happen…" you felt your mouth say.

“You’re lying. I sensed something between you the moment we rescued him from Yavin-4. I should have listened to myself and limit your interaction with each other.”

“I...I don’t get what the _big deal_ is.”

“You could be killed, Arrow!” At this point, he was screaming, voice filled with pain and worry. 

“What do you mean killed? I did nothing wrong!”

“Do you think having a relationship with the Supreme Leader’s apprentice is a good idea? Snoke has killed for less! _We_ have killed for less.”

Words refused to flow. Your blood was boiling. The fear traveled in your veins, but never made it to the muscles of your face or skin. Your complexion remained palen as your eyes stayed staring, focused. You let out an understated sigh and turned to leave, showing you weren’t afraid to turn your back.

“I’m going to train. You’re free to join me if you so please, but this conversation is over.” You said with every bit of unwavering confidence.

***

Days had passed since you last saw Ben. He had been training under Snoke directly. Kuruk told you he had been seen two days ago with a new lightsaber, new clothes, and according to him, the expression he wore on his face had noticeably hardened.

Ushar came into your room, taking you out of your thoughts.

“Row, you’ve been asked for.” There’s an eerily nuanced unhappiness in his voice, sadness, empathy... _compassion_.

“Asked for? Where?” 

An anxious feeling gripped onto you. Your face grew placid; doing a solid impression of casual curiosity, but he could see something else lurking behind your eyes. You watched him intently.

“Supreme Leader Snoke wants to see you, Arrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! <3  
> Thank you SOOOO MUCH for all the kudos!! <3


	7. The fears

I stared at Ushar, unblinking. I must've looked like a youngling lost in the woods.

“Why would The Supreme Leader want to see me?”

“I don’t know, kid, but he asked only for you.”

“Do you think he  _ knows… _ ? About me and Ben…?"

At this point, you were shaking more than a leaf in a wild tornado. Leaning against the grey wall behind you to stabilize yourself, you readjusted your uniform.

“I know what happened, kid,” you heard him say. “You kissed. You slept next to each other. Snoke won’t kill you if you swear never to do it again,  _ that _ I'm sure of. Plus, Ben is like his new guard dog. Supreme Leader won’t let him get too far, nor too close to you.”

_ The perfect puppy on a leash. _

“We truly have something special, Ushar. He makes me feel... _ loved,  _ if that's what this is _. _ Like I’m not by myself anymore.”

“You never  _ were _ , Arrow... We’ve always been there for you…"

It wasn’t the same. Your brothers had your back from the moment you were inducted into becoming a Knight of Ren, but the bond Ben and you shared was more... _ so much more _ . In your mind, you had always been a warrior, but these new feelings were so foreign to you. They felt like an outstretched hand on the suns of Jakku, like bare feet on the ground of an ice planet. They were terrifyingly captivating.

It took a while before you could respond back to Ushar, words, and mind both failing you.

“I should get going now. I-I’ll be back in a few."

He walked up to you, pulling your body into his biceps, stronger than anything you had ever known before. It was if holding you wasn't quite enough for him. As you were cocooned in his arms, you felt safety surround you like a blanket. All your worries disappeared and you didn’t want to leave. If only you could stay in his arms forever, safe from all the world’s harmful people.  _ One could only hope. _

He ended it as abruptly as it had begun, and he was gone without a backward glance. Your heart broke a little, thinking about how you may not see him, nor your brothers again.

And then, a fleeting thought...

_ Will I see Ben again? _

Without even thinking, your legs started to walk you to your destiny. Adrenaline flooded your system, it pumped and beat like it was trying to escape. You thought your heart would explode and your eyes were wide with fear.

Let’s face it, there was really _one_ _thing_ you could do; pray that execution for your actions wasn't an option. Facing Snoke's door, your adrenaline surged so fast, nearly inducing you to vomit. You could taste the saliva thickening in the back of your throat and beads of sweat trickling down your brow. At some point, you’d have to make the move.

The crimson door opened themselves, invisible hands pushing you in.

“Arrow Ren." His voice was loud and demanding of answers, "So we meet again."

Your eyes scanned the massive room and your breath caught in your throat immediately when you saw… _ him _ .

Ben was kneeling next to the Supreme Leader’s throne, head kept low. Your heart was hammering, but you kept you gait casual with no hint of hesitation. Snoke couldn’t know what happened last night. Your mind brought you back to the terrifying beast in front of you. The invisible hands kept on pushing you closer to him until your feet left the floor beneath you and lifted you up, nearly nose to nose with him.

“Child, you’ve been  _ naughty _ .”

His slender fingers pressed into the skin of your forearms, nails biting in the layer of fine dust, drawing beads of blood. Your whole body shook, bones rattling in unwavering fear of the future that loomed before you. Your heart pounded so hard against your ribcage as your pulse pressed outward, jerking the veins within. His eyes stayed glued to yours, anxiety slowly turning into panic.

“Supreme Leader,” You began, the words leaking past your lips, “May I know why you called me?”

“Well you see, young one, my apprentice is quite precious to me and it was brought to my immediate attention that you both have a special connection... _ a bond _ .”

“Sir, I-I don't understand...we…we did nothing  _ wrong _ ."

His hand suddenly cracked across your face, snapping it back with the force of his blow. The sound reverberated off of the walls and stung your face with such vigor. It had been an open-handed smack and it had left behind a burning, red welt. You staggered backwards, clutching your face, eyes watering. When black dots quit hovering in the window of your vision, you were standing in the middle of the room. You looked at Snoke who had just marked your face.

_ “Don’t...touch...me…" _

“Oh,” He laughed. “I knew you were fierce, but I never thought you to be  _ suicidal _ . Who do you think you are, talking back to the Supreme Leader of The First Order?"

“I am Arrow Ren, Knight of Ren...you can’t frighten me.”

“You hide behind your words, child. I can sense your fear. I can read your mind. I can see  _ everything _ .”

“If I’m going to die, let it happen while there’s still some of me left.”

He paused.

“Ben,  _ rise _ .”

The boy executed the order.

“Arrow Ren, I should have you  _ killed _ at this very moment. Why don’t I have my apprentice give me your head?”

Your blood froze in your veins upon hearing the words Snoke had pronounced. You tried to stay calm as your eyes met Ben’s figure. He wasn’t moving and yet you could feel unease growing within him. The cold look reflecting on his face sent a shudder down the center of your spine.

His hands tightly closed around his lightsaber. It was much more different than the last time you saw it. It was wielded of a dark, black metal and was shaped like a cross, a long red wire going along the side. As he ignited the weapon, a menacing crimson light filled your eyes. He slowly approached, the blade gliding to your neck. His new killer instinct kicked in rapid-fire, giving his actions no second thought.

“Stop.” Snoke’s voice resonated in the room. “You know, young Arrow, some people say I’m evil, but I say I’m just wired differently. Others look at a creature and see something alive, but I see something I can  _ kill _ . I don't want to just shoot through it... _ oh no _ ...I want to see how long it can last while I disembowel it nice and slow. I want to see the light leave its rodent eyes while I examine its innards. The truth is...I  _ enjoy _ it. I get a kick out of it. I am nothing more than a visionary with a dream. The dream that the galaxy will bend to me. That it will be  _ mine. _ ”

Disgust filled the brim of every pore.

“You are lucky, young one, that today is  _ not _ the day you will meet with doom.” He spoke clearly.

All that had happened before was just one of his sick and twisted games.  _ Bastard. _

"You will live to see another day. You will even be able to see my apprentice as it pleases him. Being around you seems to... _ ease him _ ...but remember, young one, I will not be spoken back to in such a manner. Is that clear? You may not be so lucky next time. I have the power to destroy you and anyone in this room.”

_ Your words will disappear. Your name will disappear. All memories of you will disappear. _

That voice in the back of your head didn’t belong to you, but you knew it spoke the truth. You gave Snoke a simple nod, letting him know that you clearly understood what was at stake. Making him an enemy was the worst idea.

“You may leave,” he said. “Ben, you’re free to go as well."

Ben shot a look at you, guilt suddenly masking his face. He took you by your wrist and pulled you out of the room. As soon as you stepped out, breath returned to you, every bit of tension simultaneously leaving your shoulder.

“I’m s-so sorry, Arrow.” Ben broke the silence. “I-I  _ had _ to…”

"It’s fine. I know, it wasn’t you, it was  _ him _ ...it's...it's always  _ been _ him."

“But I…I could have  _ hurt _ you…”

“It didn’t happen, Ben. Let’s just...let this go, okay?”

He wrapped both arms around your shoulders and pulled you close, gently rubbing your arm. Despite the heaviness in your stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his body pressed against yours. You sunk into the warmth of his chest, appreciative of the simple gesture.

***

You felt a hot breath on your neck, then the tender brush of lips burning as they made contact with your neck. A hand running through your hair, you woke up gently from your sleep next to the boy you were so desperately in love with. Heart skipping a beat as he looked at you tenderly,  _ lovingly _ . His beautiful, dark eyes admiring yours and his jet black hair cascading down his face.

“Hello, Stardust.”

“Stardust?” you said, still half asleep. “Why Stardust?”

_ Somewhere between the sand and the stardust, through every collapse and creation, there is a pulse that echoes of you and I. If you came to me with a face I have not seen, with a name I have never heard, I would still know you. Even if centuries separated us, I would still feel you. _

“It’s in your eyes.” You heard his voice say.

“I like it.”

You took a moment to appreciate the beauty before your eyes, your hand moving freely to his peachy cheek.

_ “My love.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading as always! I love you all soooo much <3


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